Hi Exactly and sorry for the delayed response.
The fact that render-instanced lights are working in IR is actually a mistake. You see, in C4D, lights can never be render-instanced, so when C4D prepares the lights for rendering at the beginning of the non-IR render, it does not create render-instanced lights. In IR, we make the render objects ourselves and we never realized that lights shouldn't have render instances. So far, we kept this as a feature, but I agree that it might be a bit confusing and we'll probably remove it.
We might create the render objects ourselves even in normal rendering, but there's high risk that we do something incorrectly (and C4D does not document the creation of render objects anywhere), so we'd rather not to. There's however another possible solution and that is force C4D handle our lights as objects. They would then behave exactly like objects with light material for all possible purposes.
As for the issue with the light emitter itself not appearing in the light select render pass, we'll check that and hopefully fix it, because to me it seems like a bug.
Edit: The issue has been confirmed as a bug and has been added to our bug tracking system. Internal tracking ID: 407347327